Apr 092013
 

Yet another family meeting:
convoluted, confused, and intertwined with
friends not usually seen, but heard in hazy,
non-descript one sided conversations to which
you’re not usually a privy.

I phased in and out of this mysterious world,
painted an important cordial greeting upon my
face and drifted with the din of a multitude
of cute little cherubs, their bretheren and
sisterhood hooting the crisp childhood greetings
of simpler times I only envision now in my dreams.

Drifting in and out, to and fro, on waves of mystical
chaos: warm in the glow that is family even if it is
somehow distant and even unfamiliar to my typically
ordered and precise state of mind.

Strangers, now not strange, flow into my personal
universe as if they were ghosts appearing in the dark
grey corridors of some tall and mystical hall to present
tidings of terror, or fear, or joy, or bliss; and we
engage in mindless conversation to comfort us in our
naked vulnerability.

Then as our strangeness fades into a comfortable enveloping
mist we become our own small army against the unknown
and begin to speak of thoughts, beliefs, and dreams…
the kinds of words usually reserved for only the closest
of kin and those you see every day; but now is an open
opportunity to collect a new ally in a potentially
dangerous fold, that of life in extended family where
the dragon in the dark is every aging skeleton you hide
in the closet of your mind – with you now locked in
close proximity to excited peers all curious to see and
know, and all armed with the keys of ignorance and open
questions.

“Keep your wits” you think when you are awake, but the
soothing chaos seems friendlier and warmer as time wares
on and you find yourself lulled to sleep, somehow comforted
by the incomprehensible din.

Away, across the room and a see of jumbled souls all
embroyaled in senseless conversations you see your anchor.
That one familiar face that you arrived with. That one
who dragged you to this forsaken alien world now more
familiar with each moment, and you realize the reason for
your peace isn’t a follish sleepy tonic of calming chaos,
like the warm darkness of shock obliged to an animal once
cought in the jaws of it’s predator awaiting the final
passage from vital form to fodder.

This pleasant face, and it’s glow, this love, this other
soul to whom you are inexorably linked. This on has brought
you here again, and here is not so unfamiliar as it is an
extension of whatever was, what is, and what will always
be: family.

So roast the beast and sing the songs and contemplate the
murmor of countless hours in this company. It is a gift,
for the only true desert and dangerous ground for we
mortal beings of flesh and mind and soul and gifts of
spirit, the only true place of perishing in untempered,
unbearable rages of tempest and furies, the most horrible
wasteland which could cease our breath and silence our
voices in the loudest agonizing screams of pain and
terror is not here: that place is empty and alone, and
now, if you are here with me, you know there is nothing
so fearful for you, for you are not alone.

– Original (c) 1999 Pete McNeil

Apr 092013
 

On terrors and trials and troubles we tumble – so easily lost in this worlds wild jumble of chaos and rumors and strife and the hundreds of pointless distractions that cost us our marbles, and yet there’s a way if you manage to find it to keep from the fray all your virtues and kindness – a way to find joy, even bliss and good morrows. Your own private stock of fond memories to follow.

This path to good fortune is not for the timid and those who are on it could tell you some tales. Amid crisis and horror, between tears and sorrow, there’s monsters and fears and dark nights on each side of this quaint, narrow road full of light and bright moments – it’s peace and warm comfort in stark brilliant contrast to all of the dark scary places it goes past.

‘Tis love that I speak of and not simply friendship, but kinship – the kind that you find when you tarry along on your first timid step on this path that can be so uplifting or so very bad… but then once you have found them, this singular spirit, that follows you on and pretends not to fear it, you find you’re together and somehow the darkness is farther away and not nearly as heartless.

Your steps intertwine, there is dancing and wine and good words and good song and good cheer goes along and you find that no matter how hard the wind blows and no matter how scary the outside world grows, and no matter how shaky your next step may be, that your partner can help you, and does, day to day, in their subtle sweet magical spiritual ways.

You’re both stronger, and braver, and more fleet of foot and the sharp narrow path that upon you first took becomes broader and wider with each every day – soon as broad as each moment you have in your way and with each tender kiss and each loving caress you can light up the darkness – force evil’s regress.

Lonely souls fear to tread here and well so they should for this place is not for them – it does them no good and the road doesn’t widen and so they fall off. It is sad, but it happens more often than not. And it also is true for more than one in two that do venture this road that their love is not true and they find they’re apart in this harsh frightening place and they find that they can’t stand the look on their face and they stumble and cry as the frightening beasts beat them, then scurry away as their partners retreat, and they loose all the joy and tell sad sorry stories that frighten young children and prosper young lawyers.

So hold fast your other! You dare not let go. There is truth to this story. It’s not just for show! I’ve been down this long path more than once don’t you see and found many fierce terrible things in my spree. These beasties I speak of were you and were me as we fell off the path and made bitter decrees to get justice from all those around: our just share! when in-stead we were missing the love that was there.

So hold tight to your lover, make strong your belief, and find comfort in each other’s arms, and sew peace, and you’ll find after all that true love does survive all the slings and the arrows that life can provide, and in fact it repels them. It really is true… just remember this magic will take both of you.

– Original (c) 1998 Pete McNeil

Aug 302012
 

An ill wind feeds my discontent it
grows with every lost moment and
steeped in deep anxiety it
grows the pit inside of me
it grows
the pit inside of me it grows the pit
consuming me

I lie awake, I pace the floor,
I watch the ever present door and
stare into the deep abyss
the hole
that ate the self I miss
the hole that ate the self
I miss the whole
I miss the wholeness

Selfless, lost, and still
not going far or fast
Perpetuation lasts and lasts
this yearning, churning, throbbing,
beating fast
I gasp!
breathe deep and let it pass
then start again
then let it pass
again and then

Again the thickening morass
my clouded mind, my faded past
The distant memories
obscured by present miseries and
blurred uncertain
treacheries I sense as apparitions hence

My aspect and my furrowed brow now
fearful to behold and yet
somehow all tempered by the very madness
working to conceal the sadness
stalking me and
still not talking

So I pull hard and
I strain in vein
I try not to complain
Insane, I give in to the pain and
then control myself again
and then again
control myself again
back where I started once again